A Woman Visible

Search for beauty. Search for adventure. Search for the visible you.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Seems Like I Mocked This Idea Once


Ok...way back in February I did a slightly mean-spirited thing. On February 8 (you can check this out in the archives), I mocked the idea of eHarmony and predicted that I would end up being matched with Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons if I ever decided to try eHarmony.

You'd better be sitting down. I actually went to eHarmony last night and coughed up the money to fish in their pond for a month. This has been a decision I've been working up to all summer.

There's this couple in my church that met through eHarmony (they were married last October--should be in the commercials). They sat me down during a church social last month and gave me all the reasons I should do eHarmony. I shared my fears, they shared their hope. I told them I would consider it some more. I really wasn't sure what to do. It scared me. No, they didn't scare me...the thought of putting myself out there scared me. So instead, I considered it, would go to the website, stare and then run for the hills.

What was the final motivation in all of this?

Actually, I'm not sure there was just one. There were many that led to this decision. The first is that there are several eligible men at my church, but they aren't really showing me any interest. They have others that they are interested in. I can't blame them. One in particular has his eyes on a young woman that is not only beautiful but has a spiritual energy that literally lights her space. It makes me happy for him, but he's attractive and nice, and I wish he'd see me instead. He doesn't, so be it. Maybe I'm just not his type.

Another motivation may be that I'm flirting around, but often not with men that are actually able to act on the interpersonal play that is going on. I think I'm doing this in the subconcious thought that if the men can't act on things, I'm safe. I know that's not true, but it's easy to believe this. If I'm expending this much energy on flirting with 'safe' guys, then perhaps it's time to expend that energy on something that will reap an actual payoff (no, I don't mean sex).

Like my friend Don pointed out recently, "things don't just happen." I think I'm flirting because I'm gaining a bit of confidence back and want to try it on for size. I also am keeping this "things don't just happen" in mind to refrain from making some serious mistakes. (Thanks, Don).

Finally, I just want to try this. Tommi and Ken made me see that this is not a bad thing. I may not find my soul mate, or next husband, or anything--but I might get to meet some nice people and have some chances to go out and have some good experiences. If nothing else, it will get me out of the house for more than work, school, and music lessons.

I've already made contact with one guy. Say your prayer--who knows, I might be going out soon!

Been Off for a Bit...

Sometimes a person just loses her way. It's true. I took a month off from posting, which means that I've probably lost every single reader I had for this blog. I apologize to those who were faithful because I wasn't faithful to you as an audience. I hope to rectify this situation in the coming days. I also hope that my readers will return, and I hope a few new voices will come into the fold.

I could make the excuse that I ran out of things to say, but that wouldn't be true. The truth is that I have gotten lazy as summer has progressed. I have spent the last month reading, goofing off, playing computer games with my kids--and enacting the American ritual of summertime. Summertime makes me want to loaf. I figure when I get old, I'll be one of those folks you see walking the beaches (hopefully, I'll be hand-in-hand with an equally old guy) for hours on end. That part of me emerges during the summer.

I have not forgotten my goal of womanly self-discovery. I am still working on reading the Dr. Phil book, and have started Gary Smalley's The Five Languages of Love for Singles. I've read many other things as well, including several novels, which may get discussed here at some point. I'm still asking questions, and making decisions in an effort to work through the stuff that makes me who I am. All of that will make it back here eventually as well.

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So, how has my summer gone? I'd have to say that it has gone in directions I'd never dream of. I've had some pretty amazing experiences. I've actually flirted with some men (stop looking stunned), and I have actually started to be bold in trying to find someone to be with. I don't know if that means I'll actually complete that quest, but I gotta start somewhere.

I've also re-met (I just made up this word) an old friend, who is now old (ok...kidding) but brand new. I'm going to go ahead and share Don and Coded Thoughts with you. This is an infant blog, but I think it has potential ( I know, never trust a man with "potential"). I first met Don in 1983 while we were both in high school. We were both very different people then. I actually marvel that we became friends then, but I have to think that I liked him most because he made me laugh. Lots of things happened in our circle of friends over the years, including one major piece of ugliness that destroyed many friendships, and caused Don to disappear (smartly, I might add). I figured that I'd never see him again, and if I did, I wouldn't even begin to know what to say. I think he felt the same.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. He e-mailed me using my high school nickname in the subject heading (a name I haven't heard in so many years it jarred me). He asked for reconciliation and forgiveness. I think I surprised him when I replied to his e-mail.

Monday night, Amanda and I met Don and his lovely wife, Tiffany at Starbucks not far from my house. We had a great time. It was good to get to know him again. Sometimes we get this idea that people can't change. For the majority of people, that is correct. What I saw was a change that could only have been from God. He is happier than I've ever seen him, and he's actually accomplishing past his potential. It was beautiful. Amanda and I have often said that we were the ones that made it out of the hole where so many of our friends ended up, but I think that Don must have made it out too--even if he had to dig from the bottom.

It's funny because in a way, we weren't the only friends from the past there. I kept sensing a certain someone (Amanda, you know) hanging in the background. Perhaps it was because I knew Michael would have wanted to see us all laughing and happy. Perhaps we summoned him. (For those of you who don't know about him, Michael was a mutual friend of ours from high school who died when he was nineteen. There is a hole in my heart where he used to live.)

So as you can see, the summer has been fruitful in so many ways. I'm glad I'm back to share the fruit with you all!